Relationships

This is our FOURTH Click For Fitness newsletter in May. We published two back to back, The Click Kitchen and The Click Guide.

Then I received some email requests from some of our members. These requests involved some very personal and tragic stories of bullying and abuse, prompting our next newsletter "Bullying" and this one "Relationships".

Click For Fitness attempts once again to tackle this very sensitive issue:

Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person. Sadly, some relationships can turn bad. In fact, 1 in 11 high school students report being physically hurt by a date.

People in these unhealthy relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. However, jealousy does not equal caring or affection.

Love involves respect and trust; It doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship. If you feel nervous or insecure about your relationship, it is important to talk it through with your boyfriend or girlfriend, not try to control their behavior.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:

• Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are - for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other person is and understands - and would never challenge - the other person's boundaries.

• Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes - jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

• Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.=

• Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

• Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship.. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even. But you'll know if it isn't fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

• Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that should not change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. You should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

• Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing is wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. If you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask.

What Makes A Relationship Unhealthy?

Abuse.

What Is Abuse?

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Physical abuse means any form of violence such as hitting, punching, pulling hair, and kicking. Abuse can occur in both dating relationships and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt - not just during the time it's happening, but long after.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, guy or girl. It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want. Period.

The first step in getting out of an abusive relationship is to realize that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person.

Signs of Abuse

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:

• Harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
• Tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
• Frequently humiliates you or makes you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
• Threatens to harm you, or harm themselves, if you leave the relationship
• Twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
• Demands to know where you are at all times
• Constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are also red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. When someone says stuff like "If you loved me, you would . . . " that's also a warning of possible abuse, and is a sign that your partner is trying to manipulate you. A statement like this is controlling and is used by people who are only concerned about getting what they want - not caring about what you want. Trust your intuition. If something does not feel right, it probably is not right.

What Do I Do?

What should you do if you think someone might be abusing you?

If you feel that you love someone but often feel afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship ... FAST. You are worth being treated with respect and you can get help.

First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult or friend can help. If the person has physically attacked you, don't wait to get medical attention or to call the police. Assault is illegal, and so is rape - even if it's done by someone you are dating.

Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is when you need support the most. People like counselors, doctors, teachers, coaches, and friends will want to help you, so let them.

Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the situation. Friends and family who love and care about you can help you break away. It's important to know that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. It actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself. It’s also likely you will need help to break out of a cycle of abuse, especially if you still love the person who has hurt you, or feel guilty about leaving.

Where to Get Help

Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships is a community effort with plenty of people ready to help. The internet will list crisis centers, teen help lines, and abuse hotlines. These organizations have professionally trained staff to listen, understand, and help. In addition, religious leaders, school nurses, teachers, school counselors, doctors, and other health professionals can be sources of support and information.

-Christopher D. Sacks

(This information was provided in part by Kids Health and the information, advice and statistics reviewed by D'Arcy Lyness, PhD and Michelle New, PhD)

Bullying

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately about bullying. Click For Fitness addresses this very serious issue.

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point.

Teasing is not normally harmful when done in a playful, friendly, mutually fun way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

The definition of a bully is: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

That is pretty clear but to be more clear: Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use email, chat rooms, instant messages, social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or hurt their feelings.

Let's get back to the initial definition: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people. But WHY?

WHY? Why do kids bully other kids?

Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim - someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way - to feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, that is not always the case.

Sometimes kids torment others because that's the way they’ve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, or calls names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness - people are "voted off," shunned, or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.

How do I know if my child is being bullied?

Unless your child tells you about bullying or has visible bruises or injuries it can be difficult to figure out if it's happening.

There are some warning signs: Parents might notice kids acting differently, getting anxious, not eating or sleeping well, or skipping the things they usually enjoy. When kids seem moodier or get upset more easily - or when they start avoiding certain situations, like taking the bus to school, it might be because of a bully.

If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter, asking "What do you think of this?" or "What do you think that person should have done?" This might lead to questions such as: "Have you ever seen this happen?" or "Have you ever experienced this?" You can also talk about any past situations you or another family member had at that age to make the issue more accessible and real.

Let your kids know that if they're being bullied or see it happening to someone else, it is important to talk to someone about it, whether it's you, another adult (teacher, school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.

Communication!

How To Help

If your child tells you about a bully, focus on offering comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed.

Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault. If they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. They are scared that if the bully finds out that they "talked" it will get worse. Children are worried their parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Some kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight the bully even though their fear makes that impossible.

• Praise your child for being brave enough to talk about it.

• Remind your child that he or she isn't alone. A lot of people, not just children get bullied at some point in their lives.

• Emphasize that it's the bully who is behaving badly, not your child.

• Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together as a family. Sometimes an older sibling or friend can help deal with the situation. It may help your daughter to hear how the older sister she idolizes was teased about her acne and how she dealt with it. An older sibling or friend also might be able to give you some perspective on what's happening at school, or wherever the bullying is taking place, and help you figure out the best solution.

• Take it seriously if your hear that the bullying will get worse if the bully finds out that your child "talked". Sometimes it is useful to approach the bully's parents. In other cases, teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you've tried those methods and still want to speak to the bullying child's parents, it's best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.

• Many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your child's safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.

For the kids

The key to helping kids is to provide strategies that deal with bullying on an everyday basis and help restore their self-esteem and regain a sense of dignity.

It may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all, you're angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to "stand up for yourself" when you were young. You may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better:

• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess - wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.

• Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting. Do not cry, look red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).

• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.

• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.

• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.

• Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.

At home you can lessen the impact of the bullying. Encourage your kids to get together with friends that help build their confidence. Help them meet other kids by joining clubs or sports programs. Find activities that can help a child feel confident and strong. Maybe it's a self-defense class like karate or Kuk Sool Won or other athletic class.

Just remember, as upsetting as bullying can be for you and your family, lots of people and resources are available.

(This information was provided in part by Kids Health www.kidshealth.org and was reviewed by D'Arcy Lyness, PhD)

Additional resources:

National Mental Health Association (NMHA)
http://www.nmha.org
NMHA works to improve the mental health of all Americans through advocacy, education, research, and service.

Tolerance.org
http://www.tolerance.org
Tolerance.org encourages people from all walks of life to fight hate and promote tolerance.

Anti-Defamation League
http://www.adl.org
The mission of this organization is to fight anti-Semitism and bigotry of all kinds.

American Psychological Association (APA)
http://www.apa.org
The APA provides information and education about a variety of mental health issues for people of all ages.

Parent Teacher Association (PTA)
http://www.pta.org
The PTA encourages parental involvement in public schools.

Center for the Prevention of School Violence
http://www.cpsv.org
Established in 1993, the center serves as a resource center for dealing with school violence.

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
http://www.aap.org
The AAP is committed to the health and well-being of infants, adolescents, and young adults. The website offers news articles and tips on health for families.

National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center (NYVPRC)
http://www.safeyouth.org
NYVPRC was established as a central source of information on prevention and intervention programs, publications, research, and statistics on violence committed by and against children and teens.

National Association of School Psychologists (NASP)
http://www.nasponline.org
The mission of the NASP is to promote educationally and psychologically healthy environments for all children and youth by implementing research-based programs that prevent problems, enhance independence, and promote optimal learning.

U.S. Department of Education
http://www.ed.gov
This government site offers advice, links, homework help, and information for parents, teachers, and students.

Take The First Click!

Christopher D. Sacks

Click Guide

Regular outdoor exercise has been proven to increase children’s physical and mental health. Outdoor activity helps kids maintain a healthy weight, boosts their immunity and bone health, lowers stress and is FUN!

The Click Guide was created to bring kids and their families together to take advantage of America’s great outdoors. Parks, trails, museums, libraries, picnic areas, open fields, lakes, oceans, beaches ... Every city, town and community across this great country has access to the outdoors. More than one-fifth of the land in this country is dedicated to National forests, parks and trails. Why are we inside plugged into a video game console, hooked up to an MP3 and texting, all at the same time no less?

Kids need at least 60 minutes of active and vigorous play each day to stay healthy, and one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to meet this goal is by playing outside. By linking families to nearby parks, trails and waters – and providing tips and ideas –The Click Guide can help families develop a more active lifestyle.

Click For Fitness will be using the Click Guide to feature different cities and connect families to the many outdoor activities available. We are asking everyone to submit YOUR favorite city.

San Francisco and Manhattan were featured last week:

San Francisco

Manhattan 

BUT, then we got some submissions to Submit YOUR Favorite City.

Harrisburg

Tulsa

WE LOVE THE SUBMISSIONS! Keep them coming.

Click For Fitness and the Click Guide aim to increase opportunities for kids to be physically active and to create new opportunities for families to play together.

Take The First Click!

-Christopher D. Sacks