Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point.
Teasing is not normally harmful when done in a playful, friendly, mutually fun way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.
The definition of a bully is: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.
That is pretty clear but to be more clear: Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use email, chat rooms, instant messages, social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or hurt their feelings.
Let's get back to the initial definition: A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people. But WHY?
WHY? Why do kids bully other kids?
Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim - someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way - to feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, that is not always the case.
Sometimes kids torment others because that's the way they’ve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, or calls names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness - people are "voted off," shunned, or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.
How do I know if my child is being bullied?
Unless your child tells you about bullying or has visible bruises or injuries it can be difficult to figure out if it's happening.
There are some warning signs: Parents might notice kids acting differently, getting anxious, not eating or sleeping well, or skipping the things they usually enjoy. When kids seem moodier or get upset more easily - or when they start avoiding certain situations, like taking the bus to school, it might be because of a bully.
If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter, asking "What do you think of this?" or "What do you think that person should have done?" This might lead to questions such as: "Have you ever seen this happen?" or "Have you ever experienced this?" You can also talk about any past situations you or another family member had at that age to make the issue more accessible and real.
Let your kids know that if they're being bullied or see it happening to someone else, it is important to talk to someone about it, whether it's you, another adult (teacher, school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.
Communication!
How To Help
If your child tells you about a bully, focus on offering comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed.
Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault. If they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. They are scared that if the bully finds out that they "talked" it will get worse. Children are worried their parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Some kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight the bully even though their fear makes that impossible.
- Praise your child for being brave enough to talk about it.
- Remind your child that he or she isn't alone. A lot of people, not just children get bullied at some point in their lives.
- Emphasize that it's the bully who is behaving badly, not your child.
- Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together as a family. Sometimes an older sibling or friend can help deal with the situation. It may help your daughter to hear how the older sister she idolizes was teased about her acne and how she dealt with it. An older sibling or friend also might be able to give you some perspective on what's happening at school, or wherever the bullying is taking place, and help you figure out the best solution.
- Take it seriously if your hear that the bullying will get worse if the bully finds out that your child "talked". Sometimes it is useful to approach the bully's parents. In other cases, teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you've tried those methods and still want to speak to the bullying child's parents, it's best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.
- Many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your child's safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.
For the kids
The key to helping kids is to provide strategies that deal with bullying on an everyday basis and help restore their self-esteem and regain a sense of dignity.
It may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all, you're angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to "stand up for yourself" when you were young. You may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully.
Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better:
- Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess - wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
- Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting. Do not cry, look red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
- Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
- Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
- Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.
- Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.
At home you can lessen the impact of the bullying. Encourage your kids to get together with friends that help build their confidence. Help them meet other kids by joining clubs or sports programs. Find activities that can help a child feel confident and strong. Maybe it's a self-defense class like karate or Kuk Sool Won or other athletic class.
Just remember, as upsetting as bullying can be for you and your family, lots of people and resources are available.
(This information was provided in part by Kids Health www.kidshealth.org and was reviewed by D'Arcy Lyness, PhD)
Additional resources:
National Mental Health Association (NMHA)
http://www.nmha.org
NMHA works to improve the mental health of all Americans through advocacy, education, research, and service.
Tolerance.org
http://www.tolerance.org
Tolerance.org encourages people from all walks of life to fight hate and promote tolerance.
Anti-Defamation League
http://www.adl.org
The mission of this organization is to fight anti-Semitism and bigotry of all kinds.
American Psychological Association (APA)
http://www.apa.org
The APA provides information and education about a variety of mental health issues for people of all ages.
Parent Teacher Association (PTA)
http://www.pta.org
The PTA encourages parental involvement in public schools.
Center for the Prevention of School Violence
http://www.cpsv.org
Established in 1993, the center serves as a resource center for dealing with school violence.
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
http://www.aap.org
The AAP is committed to the health and well-being of infants, adolescents, and young adults. The website offers news articles and tips on health for families.
National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center (NYVPRC)
http://www.safeyouth.org
NYVPRC was established as a central source of information on prevention and intervention programs, publications, research, and statistics on violence committed by and against children and teens.
National Association of School Psychologists (NASP)
http://www.nasponline.org
The mission of the NASP is to promote educationally and psychologically healthy environments for all children and youth by implementing research-based programs that prevent problems, enhance independence, and promote optimal learning.
U.S. Department of Education
http://www.ed.gov
This government site offers advice, links, homework help, and information for parents, teachers, and students.
Take The First Click!
Christopher D. Sacks
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